Definition of self-love – “a regard for one’s own well-being and happiness…a basic human necessity.”

“A basic human necessity”, so we need it like air, like water, like food, but most often give it very little time or attention while constantly wondering why we are so unhappy with life and others. Ain’t that something!

10 Key Components to Self-love:

(There’s more that can be tacked onto this list and I am sure what I wrote can be stated in a million different ways, but I have decided to share my list in a way that describes what I continue to give witness to with those I’ve been encountering. The hope is to tell some and remind others what self-love “be like”.)  

1.     Going after your dreams and being willing to put in the work to elevate YOUR own life, loving yourself enough to go after that job, get that degree, take that class, get that certification, start that business, put in those additional hours, invest some money, save some money, skip a couple them parties/clubs/hangout sessions, practice that needed discipline, etc. Ultimately, loving yourself enough to be independent in order to steer your life in a direction that brings you peace and happiness. Yes, peace and joy, looks different for everyone, but it cannot be achieved without establishing one of the key ingredients, independence (simply put, not depending on another for your livelihood or subsistence). 

2.   Saying no when you do not have the energy, time, or means to give; meaning, loving yourself enough not to overextend and deplete yourself in the name of sacrificing for those we love. Yes, love can mean having to sacrifice, but it should be the exception not the rule. A person should not live in the space of perpetual sacrifice in order to ‘love’ someone.

3.   Requiring from others an equal exchange of energy so the TEAM stays energized and feels supported; meaning, not allowing others to dump their issues/problems at your door creating a drain and pull on your energy. It’s not a dump when both parties can engage, connect, unload, and release. One-way exchanges may occur from time to time, but if you find your tank is always on empty dealing with certain folks, it is time for boundaries and possibly the release of a folk or two if you find the boundaries are not being respected.

4.   Requiring others to be the primary help to themselves, specifically able body and able minded people. We all need help from time to time (could even be a period of time), but the help you give to others should not serve as their ongoing resource and it should be on occasion and when it is truly needed.  We have no business getting in the way of another’s opportunity to grow, as we are not God.

5.   Letting go of people and relationships that do not serve you. As a rule, non-supporters, selfish people, people who no longer want you (whether it is shown in words or actions), people you have outgrown (mentally or emotionally), liars, manipulators, cheaters, abusers of any kind (physical, mental/emotional, verbal, etc.) do not serve anyone. I understand as human beings we are not perfect and we all make mistakes as we go and grow through life, but if you find yourself in a relationship (romantic, familial, friendship, professional, etc.) where these behaviors are occurring (it does not need to be and should not be chronic repeating) you are in a relationship/dealing with people who do not serve you.

6.   Being able to be your most authentic and honest self; meaning, loving yourself enough to be honest with yourself and others even when it is a challenge. Loving yourself enough to know your limitations, being honest about your wants and dislikes and what you can and cannot tolerate. Being respectful, faithful, and loyal to those you have pledged to professionally, platonically, or romantically connect yourself to. Honoring or not honoring these commitments are demonstrations of who we are morally and spiritually.   

7.   Knowing and respecting your self-worth. Regularly, recognizing all that is good, great, and wonderful about you and celebrating that wonder, greatness, and goodness, as well as being able to speak it out loud to self and others when they do not know or need to be reminded/corrected. Loving yourself enough to be your biggest cheerleader by taking time to celebrate and gift yourself for your accomplishments, big and small. Also, being able to acknowledge and correct your flaws as you discover them to further your own growth. While being real about our opportunities for growth is important to our self-love journeys, when we acknowledge our flaws, it should be done with grace and not negative self-talk that does not serve the soul.

8.   Growing and cherishing relationships that are designed to uplift; meaning, loving yourself enough to choose relationships (of any kind) where the foundation is built on the parties involved being able to primarily recognize, speak to, and celebrate all that is wonderful about each other. Nobody is perfect and we all have flaws; thus, people who we are connected to will challenge us (as we will them) from time to time on correcting some of our flaws and some flaws they will be willing to accept, as we will be willing to accept some of theirs. The acceptance of flaws should only be the small stuff not the toxic stuff. If you find, in a relationship there is more correcting and accepting of flaws than there is of uplifting and celebrating each other, the situation is not healthy and it’s time to evaluate why and the actions that must be taken to correct or leave the situation.  

9.   Regularly practicing self-care, in connection with mental, physical, and emotional health. Loving yourself enough to exercise regularly, have sex often, eat healthy, get consistent physical (vision/dental/body, etc.) and mental (therapy/counseling/coaching) check-ups, meditate, relax, get regular sleep, entertain the brain (music, movies, art, reading, socializing –virtually or in person, etc.), and pamper yourself constantly (massages, facials, pedicures, manicures, etc.). Self-care is a key tool to replenishing your soul and energy and it comes in many forms based on your individual preferences. Self-care is a key component to self-love and is quite often confused with actually being self-love, but SC alone will not get the job done.    

10. Allowing others to love and care for you, meaning with grace, gratitude, and love being to accept shows of affection, gifts, kind words, and acts of kindness from those who love you. Loving yourself enough to know you are worthy and deserving of acts and words of appreciation. Your first and primary expectation of those who love you should be that their love will be shown openly, in the most honest, and healthiest manner. Your love and trust for self should allow you to openly, completely, and deeply accept the honest and healthy love of others, without discouraging it or sabotaging it with self-esteem issues or negative talk and/or acts to self or others. Your love and trust for self will allow you to bestow love in the same manner with the same energy that you should require it from others.     

 Where Is Your Self-Love Meter?

***Having a particular state of mind does not mean you will not experience all emotions, because you will, but your state of mind will determine how well and how quickly you deal with or retain a given emotion.

Ultimately, the goals are to establish boundaries and balance. If you find you are too far left on the meter, this indicates you are or have become imbalanced and you need to evaluate what you are required to change in order to make the necessary adjustments.